December 24, 2002
"Do you miss being single?"
A single friend today asked me a question that I have heard so many times and always from people who are still single, as opposed to people who are single again who, if I remember correctly, has never asked me the question. This friend asked me, ‘don’t you miss being single?’
In reply, I have heard childless couple answer affirmatively also those in troubled marriages. People who are not having problems with their marriages, I find, normally answer that they do not. I am nothaving problems with my marriage, in fact I am happy but when I tought about the question, it occurred to me that there is a certain illogicality to that question particularly since it came from someone who has never been married. Allow me to explain.
When someone asked a question of this nature, he or she (ok, to be politically correct lets say its a she... happy now?) she often has clear expectations as to what the probable answers will be. In this case the answer will be one of three choices, a yes, a no or an indecision. What follows is often a discussion or an argument where the single person will extort the virtues of singlehood and the other, if the answer if no, will defend that state of being married. That conversation may or may not lead to an argument, either way there can be no resolution because the participants are not operating on any common ground on which they can reach an agreement as to who won, and lost, or points where they can agree to differ. The single person has never been in a situation were she has been married. She may have been in an extended relationship or several relationships of for shorter time, and she may even have offsprings out of wedlock. She however has never been in a marriage which is an institution in itself, one that exists not only on the physical side, it exist on various other planes stretching from theological to psychological to biological and beyond. Now having been in relationships, no matter how closely it may resemble a marriage, is not in fact, a marriage and therefore she does not have the framework from which she could conceptualize the expression of the state of being marriage by one who has. Without this framework, be it cognitive, philosophical or otherwise, her conception of the idea expressed in the reply and / or defence of the answerer would fall short of being adequate. Of course, any similar reconceptualization of a delivered idea is an approximation of the initial message but the reconceptualization of one who has been or still is in a marriage would be always that much closer to the initial idea than the one done by my asking friend.
This however leaves me still with the task of answering my friend’s question. To do this, I would have to examine my singlehood and those of my peers who were single at the same time. As single we had our freedom in many ways but that freedom was always tainted by the lack of ‘something’. When we were unattached, we sought to attract the attention of the opposite sex, or the same sex as in the case of some of my friends. We sought this attention with hopes that we could enter into some form of relationship with the object of our efforts. The relationship intended varies, it may be a fleeting moment, a single night, a few month or even a few years and some may even extend into matrimony but that would place it into a different category for the purpose of my answer. That relationship may also involve many things a few words over a drink, a dinner, exchange of bodily fluids or other permutations of human contact. Still because the temporary nature of the relationships we often found, the effort needs to be repeated again and again with the same degree of uncertainty. In some extreme cases I have encountered, the spending of the effort, the regularity of the performance, the nature of the relationship and the multiplicity of partners involved can begin to resemble a certain ancient profession with the exception that there was a distinct lack of monetary exchange. Spending the time and the effort often took place in places that we deemed ‘fun places’. But these were often places that were christened ‘fun’, ‘happening’ and ‘in’ places by others while we trooped there with the expectation that it would be so. I realized at the time that it was often the case that we had to spend more effort to convince ourselves that these places lived up to the hype and our expectation while, if we were to step outside of ourselves and / or the place for but a moment, we would suddenly be greeted with an unwanted realization of how grotesque these places can often be. Still, we stepped back in and told ourselves, ‘I’m having so much fun’.
To escape the stark loneliness of our humble abodes in comparison to the bright lights and loudness of these places, some of us, the questionably lucky ones, brings home a partner for a moment of intimacy. This introduces another uncertainty, that of questionably ‘safe’ sex. Proplactics can prevent pregnancy, HIV and numerous other things but they only work if you are not too inebriated to remember to have them on. More importantly 100% safety was and is not a reality, ther chance is always present. Moreover, the more partners we have, which was a sign of success to many singles, the greater the possibility of contracting one of these nightmares. Marriage is of course not a guarantee agains sexually transmitted diseases, particularly if one of more of the partners is less than faithful but the probability is less.
And so, in replying to the initial question, I am compelled to say, no, I do not miss being single. I believe that a soon as we realize that we are not perfect and we stop demanding perfection from our equally imperfect partners, our lives, our marriages will improve and remain strong. Besides, if we were perfect then we would not be human beings.
Hazidi
"Do you miss being single?"
A single friend today asked me a question that I have heard so many times and always from people who are still single, as opposed to people who are single again who, if I remember correctly, has never asked me the question. This friend asked me, ‘don’t you miss being single?’
In reply, I have heard childless couple answer affirmatively also those in troubled marriages. People who are not having problems with their marriages, I find, normally answer that they do not. I am nothaving problems with my marriage, in fact I am happy but when I tought about the question, it occurred to me that there is a certain illogicality to that question particularly since it came from someone who has never been married. Allow me to explain.
When someone asked a question of this nature, he or she (ok, to be politically correct lets say its a she... happy now?) she often has clear expectations as to what the probable answers will be. In this case the answer will be one of three choices, a yes, a no or an indecision. What follows is often a discussion or an argument where the single person will extort the virtues of singlehood and the other, if the answer if no, will defend that state of being married. That conversation may or may not lead to an argument, either way there can be no resolution because the participants are not operating on any common ground on which they can reach an agreement as to who won, and lost, or points where they can agree to differ. The single person has never been in a situation were she has been married. She may have been in an extended relationship or several relationships of for shorter time, and she may even have offsprings out of wedlock. She however has never been in a marriage which is an institution in itself, one that exists not only on the physical side, it exist on various other planes stretching from theological to psychological to biological and beyond. Now having been in relationships, no matter how closely it may resemble a marriage, is not in fact, a marriage and therefore she does not have the framework from which she could conceptualize the expression of the state of being marriage by one who has. Without this framework, be it cognitive, philosophical or otherwise, her conception of the idea expressed in the reply and / or defence of the answerer would fall short of being adequate. Of course, any similar reconceptualization of a delivered idea is an approximation of the initial message but the reconceptualization of one who has been or still is in a marriage would be always that much closer to the initial idea than the one done by my asking friend.
This however leaves me still with the task of answering my friend’s question. To do this, I would have to examine my singlehood and those of my peers who were single at the same time. As single we had our freedom in many ways but that freedom was always tainted by the lack of ‘something’. When we were unattached, we sought to attract the attention of the opposite sex, or the same sex as in the case of some of my friends. We sought this attention with hopes that we could enter into some form of relationship with the object of our efforts. The relationship intended varies, it may be a fleeting moment, a single night, a few month or even a few years and some may even extend into matrimony but that would place it into a different category for the purpose of my answer. That relationship may also involve many things a few words over a drink, a dinner, exchange of bodily fluids or other permutations of human contact. Still because the temporary nature of the relationships we often found, the effort needs to be repeated again and again with the same degree of uncertainty. In some extreme cases I have encountered, the spending of the effort, the regularity of the performance, the nature of the relationship and the multiplicity of partners involved can begin to resemble a certain ancient profession with the exception that there was a distinct lack of monetary exchange. Spending the time and the effort often took place in places that we deemed ‘fun places’. But these were often places that were christened ‘fun’, ‘happening’ and ‘in’ places by others while we trooped there with the expectation that it would be so. I realized at the time that it was often the case that we had to spend more effort to convince ourselves that these places lived up to the hype and our expectation while, if we were to step outside of ourselves and / or the place for but a moment, we would suddenly be greeted with an unwanted realization of how grotesque these places can often be. Still, we stepped back in and told ourselves, ‘I’m having so much fun’.
To escape the stark loneliness of our humble abodes in comparison to the bright lights and loudness of these places, some of us, the questionably lucky ones, brings home a partner for a moment of intimacy. This introduces another uncertainty, that of questionably ‘safe’ sex. Proplactics can prevent pregnancy, HIV and numerous other things but they only work if you are not too inebriated to remember to have them on. More importantly 100% safety was and is not a reality, ther chance is always present. Moreover, the more partners we have, which was a sign of success to many singles, the greater the possibility of contracting one of these nightmares. Marriage is of course not a guarantee agains sexually transmitted diseases, particularly if one of more of the partners is less than faithful but the probability is less.
And so, in replying to the initial question, I am compelled to say, no, I do not miss being single. I believe that a soon as we realize that we are not perfect and we stop demanding perfection from our equally imperfect partners, our lives, our marriages will improve and remain strong. Besides, if we were perfect then we would not be human beings.
Hazidi
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