How to Attend Functions as a VIP.

By Hazidi Abdul Hamid

I find myself attending an offial function again today. You know, one of those occasions where you arrive early to avoid having to walk in on the proceedings in progress. You arrive, you sign in, you collect the goodie bag of advertisings, you take you seat and wait ages for the VIP to arrive.

What is with our VIPs? In my years of experience attending functions where there were VIPs officiating, very few of them have been consistently punctual. The others, particularly politicians from all sides of the fence, seem to me to be psychopatically aversed to coming on time to a do. I can understand if they are women, some women have elevated the art of putting on their make-up to the status of meditative rituals. What about the men? I would not mention names for fear of being surrounded by irate followers when I am identified I public, or worse, surrounded by mercenary lawyers.

It seems to me that there is a definite procedure to arriving at a function. Allow me to elaborate, if you are VIP, especially if you are in a position of power, you follow these steps when you arrive at a function:

1. Pull into the designated drive way expecting there to be small crowd of people waiting anxiously for you.
   1. This is the time to make some last minute checks: have you drawb up your fly? Have chosen the right dress? Is there anyone else wearing an exactly identical dress? Is there lint on your songkok?
2. They open your car door and you exit while surpressing a slightly puzzled look which shows that your mind is saying, “who the hell are these people?”
3. Find a familiar face, if you can and heartily shake his or her hands with a relieved look.
4. They will guide you into the building, often with kompang banging away.
5. There will be some form of ceremony: child with flowers, signing of the visitors' book, shake a few more strangers' hands and finally make it to the VIP room.
6. Give a brief interview while delicately stuffing your face in the VIP room. Maybe sign a thing or two and take a few photos whom you hope will not turn out to be Malaysia's answer to John Wayne Gacy.
7. Waaaaayyyy after the designated time, make it to the function and the proceedings can now begin.
8. As you take you place at the podium, you pray that you haven't mixed up your speech notes.

Then there is the steps to follow when you exit the function but that is a different story.